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zealoushologrammiracle · 2 years ago

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I just finished my fanfic. Enjoy chapters 23-44.

Chapter 23.

AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha!

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The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed us.

“MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!” Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her.

“Oops she made a mistake!” he corrupted her. “She means hi everybody cum in!”

Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B’loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo. I eight some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup. Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was………Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother.

“Vampire, Draco WTF?” I asked.

“You fucking bustard!” yelled Draco at Vampire. “I want to shit next to her!1”

“No I do!” shouted.

“No she doesn’t fucking like u, you son of a bitch!” yelled Draco.

“No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!” shouted Vampire. And then……………… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv) They started to fight and beat up each other.

Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn’t stop. All of a sudden…… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose and was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. Britney that fucking prep started to cry. Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….I shopped eating….Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent………………….Volzemort!

“Eboby…..Ebony…….” Darth Valer sed evilly in his raspy voice. “Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!”

“Plz don’t make me kill him plz!” I begged.

“No!” he laughed crudely. “Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!” Then he flew away cackling.

I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort me. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way.

“No!” I screamed sexily. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

“Ebony Ebony aure you alright?” asked Draco in a worried voice.

“Yeah yeah.” I said sadly as I got up.

“Everyfing’s all right Enoby.” said Vampire all sensetive.

“No its not!” I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. “OMFG what if I’m getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!”

“Its ok gurl.” said B’loody Mary. “Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister about what the visions mean though.”

“Ok bich.” I said sadly and den we went.

Chapter 24.

AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 raven fagz 4 di help!

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Well we had Deviation next so I got to ask Proffessor Trevolry about the visions.

“Konnichiwa everybody come in.” said Proffesor Sinister in Japanese. She smelled at me with her gothic black lipstick. She’s da coolest fucking teacher ever. She had long dead black hair with blood red tips and red eyes. (hr mom woz a vampire. She’s also haf Japanese so she speaks it and everyfing. she n b’loody mry get along grate) She’s really young for a teacher. 2day she was wearing a black leather top with red lace and a long goffik black ripped dress. We went inside the black classroom with pastors of Emily the Strong. I raced my hand. I was wearing some black naie Polish with red pentagrams on it.

“What is it Ebony?” she asked. “Hey I love ur nail polish where’d u get it, Hot Topik?”

“Yeah.” I answered. All the preps who didn’t know what HT was gave me weird looks. I gave them the middle finger. “Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?”

“Ho about now?” she asked.

“OK.” I said.

“OK class fucking dismissed every1.” Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go. “Except for you Britney.” she pointed at Britney and sum other preps. “Please do exorcize (geddit) 1 on page 3.”

“OK I’m having lotz of visions.” I said in a worried voice. I’m so worried is Draco gong 2 die.

Well she gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. I looked at it.

“What do you c?” she asked.

“I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram.”

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Draco. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet, a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress shoes.

“Okay you can go now, see ya cunt.” said Proffesor Sinister.

“Bye bitch.” I said waving.

I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited.

Chapter 25.

AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111 n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1

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I was so excited. I fellowed Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again. We went outside and then we went into Draco’s black car.

“Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say.” whispered Draco potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine.

“She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow.” I grumbled in a sexy voice. He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork. He started to fly the car into a tree. We went to the top of it. Draco put on some MCR.

“And all the things that you never ever told me And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me.” sang Gerard’s sexy voice. We started tiling of each other’s cloves fevently. He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar. I took of his black boxers. Then……………………… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily.

“OMFG Draco Draco!” I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly………… I fell asleep. I started having a dream. In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair.

“No! Please don’t fucking kill us!1” they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car.

“No! Oh my fucking god!11” I shouted in a scared voice.

“Ebony what’s wrong?” Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes.

I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. I told Draco to call Vampire. He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile. Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where……………………… Lucian and Serious!111

Chapter 26.

AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11

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A few mutates later Vampire came 2 da tree. He was wearing a blak leather jackson, black leather pants and a Good Chralotte t-shirt.

“Hi Vampire.” I said flirtily as I started to sob. Draco hugged me sexily tryont to comfrot me. I started to cry tears of blood and then told them what happened.

“Oh fuck it!” Vampire shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly. “What fucking dick did that!”

“I don’t know.” I said. “Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor.”

We ran out of the tree and in2 da castle. Dumblydor was sitting in his office.

“Sire are dads have been shot!” Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. “Enoby had a vision in a dreem.”

Dubleodre started to cockle. “Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony’s not divisional?”

I glared at Dumbledore.

“Look motherfucker.” he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter). “U know very well that I’m not decisional. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!”

“Okay.” he said in a intimated voice. “Were are they?”

I fought about it. Then all of a sudden….. “Longdon.” I said. I told him which street. He went and called some people and did some stuff. After a few mistunes he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found. Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room. We looked at each other’s gothic, derperessed eyes. Then, we kissed. Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers……………………….and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1

Chapter 27. vampirz wil never hurt u

AN: u no wut!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111 so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospital rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111

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Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them. Drako, Lucian, Serious bond Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine.

“Cum on Enoby.” said Proffesor Sinatra. She was wearing a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it and fuking black platinum boots. “I have to tell you the fucking perdition.”

I locked at Lucian, Serifs, Drake and Vampire. They nodded.

I smelled happily and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible ball. She said……………………… “Tara, I see drak times are near.” She said badly. She peered into da balls. “You see, you must go back in time.” She took out a Time-Toner like B’loody Mary had. “When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?” I shook my head. “U must go back in time and sedouce him. It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it.”

“Okay.” I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin. I went outside again sadly.

“What fucking happened?” asked Draco and Vampire.

“Yeah what happened?” asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary?

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond. Everyone was proud of me butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco. They were cheesing my name and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him. Even Mr. Noris looked happy. A blak and red cake had been brought out. Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley’s Whizard Wises.

I put on my Invisibility coke with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether.

Chapter 28.

AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story it wuz a miskat wen profsor relory sed dat ok!11111111 GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! fangz 2 fily 4 da help!1! raven hav fun wif kiwi!1111111

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We went in2 a blak room. The wallz were blak with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason all over them. A big black coffin was in the middle. Red vevlet lined da blak box. There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. I wuz wearing a blak corset bar wif purple stuff on it, fishnet suckings and a blak leather thong underneath.

I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. So did Drako and Vampire.

“Are you okay?” Vampir asked potting his albastard hand on mine. He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses on it.

“Yah I guess.” I said sadly. Drako also pot his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. “The problem is……………………….I have to seduce Volxemort. Ill have 2 go bak in time”

Draco started to cry sadly. Vampire hugged him.

“Itz okay Eboby.” he said finally. “But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?”

“Of coarse not!” I gasped.

“Really?” he asked.

“Sure.” I said.

We frenched sexily. Vampire looked at us longingly.

Then………… I took off Draco’s MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone. He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. Black roses were around it. I gasped. He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way. Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4).

I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif.

We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it.

“I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u.” he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly. Suddenly………………………….

“WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!”

It was………………………….Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111

Chapter 29.

AN: sot das fok up!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help MCR ROX 666!111111111111

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“Oh my satan!1” we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily.

“CUM NOW!1!” Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket.

“Hey what the fuck!111” Vampire shooted angrily.

“Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?” Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes. “Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango’s. So give back da camera!1111”

Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Snoop laughed meanly.

“Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!” yelled Proffesor McGoggle. She made us cum into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these werid tools in it. Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111).

I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed so ok so fok u!1). Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.

And then……………….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic. They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. I took out my wand.

“Crosio!” I shouted. Snap stated 2 scram he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. I STOPPED DA CURSE. Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. Den she said “OK Serverus I’m going 2 go now.” She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry.

“It’s ok Enoby.” said Draco. “Evergreen will be all right. Remember the cideo u took of Snake.”

Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111

Chapter 30.

AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok!1111 so FUL U!111 if u flam u wil be a prep so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass!111 soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux. fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111

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“No!11” we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly. Then…………………… he came tords Darko!1! He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle.

“What the fuck r u doing!” I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11!

He waved his wand and a nife came. He gave da knife 2 me.

“U must stab Vrompire.” he said to me. “If u don’t then I’ll rap Draco!1”

“No you fucking bastrad!1” I yielded.

But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist) between Kurt Cobain and Gerard. But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive.

Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. He started to do an incapacitation dancing around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire. Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape.

“Dumbeldork will get u!” Draco shooted.

“Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11” Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand.

“You ridiculus dondderhed!111” Snoop yielded. He took off all of Drico’s clothes. Just as he was about to rape him…………………….

“Crosio!” I shited pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious. I stopped doing crucio.

“You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-” shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came.

Snake put the whip behind his bak. “Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing.” he lied. But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. Then Profesor Trevolry said ‘Come on Ebony let’s go.”

Chapter 31.

AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!111 stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111 fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111

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“I always knew u were on Voldemort’s side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111).” Serious said 2 Snape.

“No I’m not I was teaching them somefing!1” Snap clamed.

“Oh fucking yeah?” I took some blak Volremortserum out of my poket and gave it to Serverus. He made Snap dirnk it. He did arngrily. Then Luscious took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he did curses on Snap. Then Proffesor Sinister and Lucian made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes. Lucian took Vampure and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times. Profesor Trevolry took me to a dark room. Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort. Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. Hermoine, Darkness and Willow came too. B’loody Mary gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid’s store.

“Whatz in da bag?” I asked Profesor Trevolry.

“U will c.” she said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress. It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick.

“You look fucking kawaii, bitch.” B’loody Mary said.

“Fangs.” I said.

“Ok now you’re going to go back in tim.” said Proffesor Sinister. “U will have to do it in a few sessionz.” She gave me a blak gun. I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill. Then she gave me a black time-tuner. “After an hour use da time torner to go back here.” Proffesor Trevolry said. Then she and B’loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me. Every1 went in front of it.

“Good luk!1” Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth’s touch sin. Then……….. I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive.

Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was…………………….Tom Bombodil!1111

Chapter 32.

AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!1111 if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 U SUK!111111

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“Hi.” I said flirtily. “Im Enoby Way da new student.” I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him.

“Da name’s Tom.” he said. “But u kan call me Satan. Datz ma middle nam”

We shok hands. “Well come on we have 2 go upstairs.” Satan said. I followed him. “Hey Satan……..do u happen to be a fan of Gren Day?” (sinz mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den) I asked.

“Oh my fuking god, how did u know?” Satan gasped. “actually I like gc a lot too.”(geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that’s ounded really 80s)

“omg me too!” I replied happily.

“guess what they have a concert in hogsment.” satan whispered.

“hogsment?” I asked.

“yeah that’s what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000.” he told me all sekrtivly. “and theres a really cool shop called Hot-“

‘topic!” I finshed, happy again.

He froned confusedly. “noo its called Hot Ishoo.” He smiled skrtvli again. “then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic.” he moaned.

“ohh.” now everything was making sense for me. “so is dumblydor your princepill?” I shouted.

“uh-huh.” he looked at his black nails. “im in slitherin’”

“OMfG SHME TOO!” I SHRIEDKED.

“u go to this skull?”(geddit cos im goffik) he asked.

“yah that’s why im here im NEW.” I SMELLED HAPPili.

Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck and started shredding at us angrily. “NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!” he had short blonde hair and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters. “STUPID GOFFS!”

satan rolled his eyes. “his so mean to us goffs and punks just becose we’re in slytherine and we’re not preps.”

I turned around angrily. “actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord.”

“wtf?” he asked angrily.

“oh nuffin.” I said sweetly.

then suddenlyn………………. the floor opened. “OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly.”

“hey where r u goin?” satan asked as I fell.

I got out of the hole n it was bak in the pensive in professor trevolry’s classroom. dumblydum wuz dere. “dumblydore I think I just met u.” I said.

“oh yeah I rememba that.” dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik.

sinister came in. “hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing?”

:”um.” I looked at her.

“oh yeaH I forgot bout that.”

“wth how?” I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. but shes a goff so its ok.

professor sinster looked sad. “um I was drinking voldemortserum.” she started to cry black tears of depression. dumblydum didn’t know about them.

“hey r u crying tears of blood?” he asked curiously, tuching a tear.

“fuck off!” we both said and dumblydum took his hand away.

professor sinster started crying again in her chair, sobbing limpid tears. “omfg enoby…I think im addicted to Voldemortserum.”

AN: SEE U FOKKING PREPZ GO FOK URSELXXZ DATZ SERUS ISSUZ 2O GO 2 HELL!1111112

Chapter 33.

AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok if u don’t lik da story den ur a prep so fuk u flamerz!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz nd diz tim I men it!111111 U SUK!1111 fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1

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“Oh my fuking god!1” I shooted sadly. “Shud we get u 2 St Manga’s, bitch?”

“Hel no!” she said. “Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson 4 sum help?”

“Sure I said sadly. I went outside the door. Draco was there!111 He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas.

“Hey Sexxy.” I said.

“How’d it go Enoby?” he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking.

“Fine.” I reponded. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm.

“How far did u go wif Satan?” Drako asked jealously.

“Not 2 far, lol.” I borked.

“Will you hav to do it with him?” Draco asked angstily.

“I hop not 2 far!111” I shouted angrily. Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. I said sorry. We frenched.

“What happened 2 Snipe?” I growled.

“U will see.” Draco giggled mistressly. He opened a door……………Snap nd Lumpkin werz there!11 Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife.

“NOOOO PLZ!1111” Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his blood. I laffed statistically. I tok some photons of him and Snap bing torqued. (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz). We took sum of Snipe’s blod den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my goffik blak coffin. My cloves were kinda drity so I pot on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. (if u haven’t herd of it den FUK U!111) . I put on some blak platform high heelz. Darko put on ‘desolition liverz’ by MCR. Den………………………………………….we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy.

“Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111” I screemed passively as he got an eructation.

“I luv u TaEbory.” he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol.

Chapter 34.

AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 hav u even red de story!11 u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U!111 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1

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I wook up in da coffin de next day. Draco waz gone. I got up and put on a blak tight sexah drsss that was all ripped at da end. There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees. There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth. I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots. Suddenly…………………. Sorious cocked on da door. I hopened it.

“Hi Ibony.” he said. “Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor’s office.”

“Ok.” I said in a deprezzd voice. I had wanted to fuk Draco or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence. I came anyway.

“So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?” I asked Sorious flirtily.

“I fucking tortured them.” he answered in a statistic way. “They r in Abkhazian now, lol.”

I laughed evilly.

“Where r Draco and Vampira?” I muttered.

“Dey are xcused form skool 2day.” Sodomize moaned sexily. “Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas.”

We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there. She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic

( http/ She wuz drinking some Volximortserum.

She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner.

“Enoby, you will have to do anozzer session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited.” she said sadly. “Good luck. Fangz!”

And then……….I jumped into the Prinsive again. Suddenly I looked around……………I was in da Grate Hall eating Count Chorcula. It was mourning. I was sitting next to Satan. On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes. He looked just like Charlyn Manson. I noticed……he was drinking a portent.

“Whose he!11” I asked.

“Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn.” Satan said. “He’s da Portents teacher…………..Ebony?”

“Yah?” I asked.

“Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat.”

“Yah?”

“Well…...want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?”

Chapter 35. gost of u

AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea!1 u rok! fuk of prepz!11111111 fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun so FUK U!111 oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 fangz.

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I went in2 da Conmen Room finking of Satan. Suddenly I gasped………………..Draco wuz there!111

I grasped. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner.

“Draco what da fuk r u dong!111111” I gosped.

“Huh?” he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn’t Draco. It was Lucan!1 He stil had two arms.

“Oh hi Lucian!1” I sed. “Im Ebony the new student lol we shook handz.”

“Yah Satan told me abot you.” Lusian said. He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz. They where siting in a corner kutting. It wuz Serious, Vampire’s dad and………………Snap! All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts. “Lizzen I’m in a goth band wif those guys.” he said. “Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up.

“ORLY.” I ESKED.

“Yeah.” he said. “Were calld XBlakXTearX. I play teh gutter. Spartacus plays da drums” he said ponting to him. “Snap plays the boss. And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring.”

“Hey bastards.” I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin. Suddenly I gasped again. “But don’t u have a lead singer!” I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly.

“We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists.”

“Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1” I gasped.

“Its okay but we need a new led snigger.” Samaro said.

“Wel………..I said Im in a bnad myself.”

“Rilly?” asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111

“Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. Do u wanna hr me sing?”

Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) Gurn Day.

“I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz.” I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song).. Every1 gasped.

“Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1” begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap.

“Um…….ok.” I shrugged. “Are we gong to play tonight?”

“Yah.” they said.

“Ok.” I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit. I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1 He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans.

“What da hell r u dong here!11” I asked.

“I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby.” he said siriusly Den……….he took out a blak tim machine. I went in2 it and……………………..sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111

Chapter 36.

AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz!111 ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111

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I loked around in a depresed way. Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister. B’lody Mary, Socrates and Draco, Vampire and Willow were their to.

“OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip nd everyone!11111 I kant beleev Snap uzd 2 b goffik!111111”

“Yah I no.” Serious said sadly.

“Oh hey there bitch.” Profesor Trevolry said in an emo voice dirnking some Volxemortserom.

Hi fuker.” I said. “Lizzen, Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. Also I’m playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit for that too.”

“Oh my satan!1” (geddit lolz koz shes gofik) gasped B’lody Mary. “Want 2 go to Hot Topik to shop 4 ur outfit?”

“OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11” said Profesor Trevolry.

“I can’t fucking wait 4 dat but we need 2 get sum stuff first.” said Willow.

“Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also………….sum luv potion 4 Enoby.” Darko said resultantly.

“Well we have potions klass now.” Willow said so let’s go.

We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn’t there. Instead there was��………………………………………Cornelio Fuck!11111

“Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111” Draco shouted angrily.

“STFU!1” shooted Cornelia Fuck. “He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. “Now do ur work!111”

My friendz and I talked arngrily.

“Can you BELEVE Snap used to be gottik!1” Vampire asked surprisedly.

“DATZ IT!11” CORNELIO FUK SHOOTED ARNGRILY. “IM GETTING PROFESOR BRIDGE!111”

He stomped out angrily.

Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer. Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard.

“WTF is he doing?” I asked. Then I looked at Draco. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva. Suddenly……………“HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11” he shooted.

I looked around…………….Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily.

“God u r such a posr!1” I shooted at Hairgrid. Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was………………Amnesia Portion!111

Chapter 37.

AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11

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DARKO’S PONT OF VIEW LOL

Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor.

“Oh mi fucking satan!11” Enoby said. She wuz so hot. “Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1”

“But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata,” said Vampire. “Why would u need it?”

“To make everyfing go faster lol.” said Enoby.

“But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?” I asked jelosly.

“OMFG u guyz r so scary!11” said Britney, a fucking prep.

“Shut the fuk up!1” said Willow.

“Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry’s room.”

Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater’s room. But Profesor Sinister wasn’t there. Instead Tom Rid was.

Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez.

I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said ‘666’ on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset.

“OMG fangz!” I said hugging him in a gothic way. I took da clothes in da bag.

“OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?” asked Draco. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall.

“Oh my fuking satan!1” I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now. Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge.

“OMFG!111” I shoted arngrily. “How could they do that!11”

Suddenly Dumblydore came.

“WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1” he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly’s blak tim machine!111 I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire. Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 I looked around. It was……………Profesor Slutborn’s efface! I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. It was the shape of a cross. I put it in my poket. Suddenly da door opened it wuz……..Profesor Slutgorn!11

OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don’t kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY.

“Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class.” you said finally hoping he couldn’t c da potion in ur pocket.

“Oh ok u can go now.” said Profesor Slutborn.

You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes. Silas, Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR.

“Oh hi you guys.” I said seductively. “Wheres Satan?”

“Oh he’s cumming.” said Serious. “BTW u can kall me Hades now.” Suddenly Satan came. He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, blak congres shoes, a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie.

“Ok I will see you guyz at da concert.” I said and then I went with Satan.

Chapter 38.

AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation? oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111

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Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco’s car. I went in it seduktivly. Stan started 2 drive it. We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan), kuttting, musik and being goffik.

“Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11” Volxemort agreed as we smoked sum weed. (koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy)

“Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena.” I said in a flirty voice. “……….Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?”

“Well………………” he thought. “I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod.”

Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater. Satan and I walked outside. We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol. Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we’re sadists.

While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Satan’s gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it. I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag. Satan turned arund and started 2 smoke it. Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em started 2 fly around everywhere.

“OMG!111” Satan said jumping up. I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. “Enoby gess what?”

I new that the amnesia had worked.

“Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work.” He said. “2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u.”

“Kul.” I raised my eye suggestingly. And den………. he tok of my cloves sexily and we started 2 make out. I tok of his shit. He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 We frenched.

“Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111” shooted da lady behind us she was a prep.

“Fuk u!11” I said. Suddenly…………………. I attaked her suking all her blood.

“Noooooo!11” she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether. Satan and I started to walk outside.

“Zomg how did u do that?” Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice.

“I’m a vampire.” I said as we went into the car.

“Siriusly?” he gasped.

“Yah siriusly.” I said drinking sum beer. Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily.

“Itz too bad we didn’t get 2 c da rest of the movie, don’t u fink?”

“Yah.” I said as we kised passively. Satan parked in a blak driveway next 2 da place where Draco and I had watched GC for the frist time. We went inside where Marylin Mason wuz playing and started to mosh lol.

“Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111” screamed Marlin on da stage. We did the devil fingers. I started 2 dance really close to Satan. He was so shmexay!1 He looked at me all emo with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Mikey Way. I almost got an orgaism!1 Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing.

“I wood like to peasant……………..XBlakXTearX!11” he said. I ran onstage. Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there. They started 2 play their instilments. I got onstag.

“Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111” I sang. (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song) My voice sounded lik a pentagram betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy. Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation. “I’M NUT OKAY!1” I sang finaly. Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak.

“OMFG!1” yielded James. “Wut the fuck?”

“Woops im sory!” said Lucian.

“You fuking ashhole!1” James shouted angrily.

“U guys are such prepz!11” Snap said. “Cum on it wuz a mistake!1”

“Yah itz not his fault!11” said Serious.

“No he ruined the fucking song!1” yelled Samaro.

“U guys stop!11” I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight. Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife.

“OMFG no!11” shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late James tried 2 shoot off his arm.

And den……………………………I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11

“No!111” yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak.

Chapter 39. I Am A Trolling Genious, lolz

Disclaimer: I do not own the HP series and I am not the real XXXbloodyrists666XXX.

AN// I am an extremely immature pathetic idiot girl, I know. Out of boredom, I crack this girl's passy for fun (and it took less than 8 minutes to do it too) and will probably get in a shitload of trouble. Which I probably deserve 'cause I'm being a troll right now. Meh.

And I present to you MY crappy part in this story. (And take note I haven't even finished reading this fic yet, but instead skip over to skim chapter 38.) Flame, laugh, do whatever you want "preps."

I, the American retail wearing british vampire Sue, coughed up blood.

Satan kneeled down beside me.

"Noooooooooooooooo! Don't die!"

I gave him a rueful smile. "I'm sorry. It's something I had to do, to fufill my duty as the noble gothic Mary Sue."

Satan sobbed. "I love you Ebony."

"I love you two. I'll...I'll see you in hell." I mumbled, already finding my surroundings fading to black.

B'loody Mary Smith suddenly popped into the room for no apparent reason. She frowned when she realized the room was oddly quiet, but at the sight of Ebony's lifeless body, she screamed. Her face became pale with horror. She screamed for the healers, Dumbledore, Mcgoogle, and every single gothic person she could think of.

Suddenly, a glow started to surround the body of Ebony. Everyone stared in shock. Her body started to lift ever so slowly and then, to everyone's shock, it started to incinerate.

When everyone realized what was happening, they rushed over to try to rescue the body, but it was too late, the Sue became nothing more then a pile of ashes.

A loud resounding of everyone bellowing "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!!" filled the room.

A flash of white light from the ashes then started to bounce around the room. Everyone cowered in fear and were temporarily blinded. When it was all over, things changed.

All the silly goth clothes dropped from everyone's bodies (AN//I will refuse to explain how the hell that happened.) and, in their place, clothes the characters would normally wear in canon appeared on their bodies.

When everyone got over the shock of becoming free of the gofick power, everybody cheered. Everyone started singing 'Ding dong the sue is dead...' Well, that is, until all the HP characters realized the true implications of becoming more canon like again.

All the characters who were supposed to be dead fell to the floor, their bodies cold and lifeless. Harry and Voldemort started dueling. On the left side of the two, the battle of the Light Side and the Dark Side were reaching a climax.

And, because the replacement author also likes to screw around with canon, Draco and Hermione fled the scene and got married.

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Meanwhile...

Down in hell, Ebony shed a single tear because of her current situation. A situation that would live on for all eternity. Or at least until the end of fanfiction time.

She lost it all, but she knew she had to remain strong. Nothing would ever break her down.

She looked down over her pale body, and frowned. 'Where are my emo clothes?' She asked herself in confusion.

And then it occured to her...

For her shirt, she was wearing a bright pink polo with a little seagull on the (right or left? I can't remember) side. Below that, she was wearing a denim miniskirt with the "destroyed" look on it. Paired underneath that skirt were leggings with a little moose at the bottom. And then Ebony realized, on her shoulder, she was carrying a pretty bag with an eagle on it that said Live Your Life written all over the bag.

Ebony supressed the urge to scream. Here she was decked out in clothes prep to the extreme wearing stuff from Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, AND Hollister.

Panicked, Ebony hastily tried to take off the Hollister polo, but underneath it, there was another Hollister polo underneath. Ebony frowned, and looked under her shirt. All she saw was a bra underneath (dare I point out it's from the Aerie line available at American Eagle?). Ebony tried to remove the shirt again. But to her frustration, there was yet again another polo to replace it.

"THIS IS UNLOGICAL AND DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!!" Ebony bellowed out to the air. She failed to see the irony in her statement, how hypocrytical her words were, seeing as she was practically calling the kettle black here.

Ebony slit her writs and mumbled to herself, "Omigod."

/End Crap Fic.

AN// Oh yeah, if you wanna see the original content this chick had planned for this chapter, I accessed it through the document manager thingy, which I copied and pasted, so you can read it here:

AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz. fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 MCR RULEZ 666!111

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I woke up in da Norse’s offace on a special gothik coffin. Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up. Mr. Noris was cleaning the room.

“Oh mi satan wut happened!” I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual.

“Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11” I yielded.

“Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11” he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective.

“Volxemort? OMFG what’s wrong!111” I asked.

Sudenly………. Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! B’lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD.

“OMFG Enoby ur alive!111” Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B’lody Mary.

“What the fuk happened?” I asked dem. “Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?” I gosped.

“Enoby u were almost shot!11” said Serious. “But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time.”

“But fangz anyway!1” said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms!

“OMG I cant beleve Vampirz’ dad shot u!1” I gasped.

“Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den.” said James.

“Yah he wuz a spy.” Serious said sadly. “He wuz really a Death Dealer.”

“And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11” said Lucian. “He didn’t even realy no hu GC were until I told him.” Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents. I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it) on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz.

“Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?” I asked gothikally.

“No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax.” said Profesor Trevolry. “He duzzn’t know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up. Cum on!1”

I got up suicidally. Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun. Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, with a matching thong that said goffik gurl on the butt and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don’t get da idea massage me ill tell u). I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes. I left the hospital’s wings wif B’lody Mary, Willow and Vampire.

“OMFG letz celebrate!11” gasped Willow.

“We can go c Hose of Wax wif Draco!1” giggled Vampire.

“Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11” said Hermoine. We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den………..I gasped……………………………………… Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111 He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz.

“U fucking prep!11” we all yielded angrily.

“Yah u betrayed us!111” shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun.

“No u don’t understand!1” screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake’s.

“No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111” said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1). I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out.

“Enoby no!11111” screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it suddenly everyfing went blak again.

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Sincerely,

An-Anon-Author-Who-Will-Silently-Not-Reveal-Her-Identity-Because-She's-A-Coward :P

A.K.A. Just a troll with rocks for brains.

Chapter 40. LOL! Someone has taken my account over!

THE IDIOT'S NOTE: Well... this was in the doc area... might as well let the whole world see what the real Tara wanted to show us... Have a nice day!

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I woke up in da Norse’s offace on a special gothik coffin. Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up. Mr. Noris was cleaning the room.

“Oh mi satan wut happened!” I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual.

“Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11” I yielded.

“Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11” he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective.

“Volxemort? OMFG what’s wrong!111” I asked.

Sudenly………. Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! B’lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD.

“OMFG Enoby ur alive!111” Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B’lody Mary.

“What the fuk happened?” I asked dem. “Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?” I gosped.

“Enoby u were almost shot!11” said Serious. “But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time.”

“But fangz anyway!1” said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms!

“OMG I cant beleve Vampirz’ dad shot u!1” I gasped.

“Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den.” said James.

“Yah he wuz a spy.” Serious said sadly. “He wuz really a Death Dealer.”

“Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?” I asked gothikally.

“No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax.” said Profesor Trevolry. “He duzzn’t know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up. Cum on!1”

“OMFG letz celebrate!11” gasped Willow.

“We can go c Hose of Wax wif Draco!1” giggled Vampire.

“U fucking prep!11” we all yielded angrily.

“Yah u betrayed us!111” shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun.

“No u don’t understand!1” screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake’s.

“No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111” said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1). I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out.

“Enoby no!11111” screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it suddenly everyfing went blak again.

Idiot's Note: Ugh... I know... terrible... but then again, this wouldn't be called the 'worst fanfic ever if not for the fact that the writing standards meets the level of a day old fetus...

Chapter 41.

AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF!!!!! I bet u proly odnt no hu gerod way is ur proly al prepz and pozers!!!!!!!!11111 neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in November and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1. im surry 4 nut updating g 4 a while but ive been rilly bizzy. im trying 2 finish da story b4 da new movie kumz out. Im gong on vacation 4 a mons I wont be bak until abott 2 weeks. OMFG drako iz so hot in all da pix 4 da new movie!!!111 I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by geord way lol he hsud play drako. if u flame ill slit muh risztz!!!!!!!!11 raven u rok gurl hav fun in ingland.

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When I wook up I wuz in a strange room. I loked around I wuz wearing da same outfit I had when is performed wif XBlakXTearX!!!!!11 I looked arund confusedly. It wuz da Norse’s office but it looked difrent!! On da wall wuz a pik of Marlyin Munzon!!!1111 (just imagin dat he is an 80s goffik band 2 ok koz he is more old den panic?! at da dizcko or mcr) der wuz also a goffik blak Beatles calander with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves. On it said ‘1980.’

“OMFG!!! Im back in Tim again!!!!111” I screamed loudly. Suddenly Satan(dis is actually voldimort 4 photo refrenss!). Voldimort wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson, blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz. He looked so sexah I almost had an orgy!!!!11

“OMFG Enoby r u ok.” He asked gothikally.

“Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation.” I snapped sexily. “OMG am I dedd???” koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Jame’s gun. I also rememberd cing Drako doing it wif Snap!!!!111

I guessed dat when I had slit mi wrists I had went bak in tim instead of dieing. I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner or da tim machine.

“No ur not dead.” Satan reassured suicidally as he smokd a cigarette sexily and smoke came all over his face. “Ur a vampire so u kant die frum a bullet. Cum on now lets go c how Hairy’s dad is doing.”

I noo dat da real reason I didn’t die from da ballet was koz I was from da future. “WTF!!!! James almust shot Luciious!!!” I said indigoally. I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn’t want him2 know I knew.

“Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress.” Satan reasoned evilly.

“I guess that’s ok.” I said because James hadn’t really shot Lucian. Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1. I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy!!!!!11 He had bleched blond hair wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner, a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties), blak congress shoes and black baggy pants. He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido for I Don’t 3 u lyk I did yesterday and you cud see a blak tear on his face lyk da wmn in dat video. “Hey.” He sed all qwietly and goffically.

“Who da fuck is that?” I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him.

“Dis is…Hedwig!!!!!!!!!11” Sed Volximort. “He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm.

“Hey Hedwig.” I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b.

“Lol hi Enoby.” He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature. He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok!!)

“Bye.” I sed all sexily.

“Dat was Hedwig. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up.” Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails.

“OMFG I can get u bak 2gether!” I said fingering something I didn’t know wuz in my pocket- a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 cideo ipod that I could take videos wif (duz ne1 elze no about dem??? dey kik azz!!!!).

“Ok u can 4get about ur class for now, Hedwig. Im going 2 show u something grate!!!!1” I led them to da Great Hall. “Cum on u guys.”

Lucian, James, Serious and Snake were all in da Grate Hall. Lucian woudnt talk wiv James because he had tried 2 shoot him.

“Go fuk urself you fukking douche!” he shouted at him. “Drako is never gong 2 b frends with vampire now!!1”

“Yah go fuck urself Samaro!” Snape agreed but I noo he wuz lying koz it had been his folt James had almost shot Lucian.

“B quiet u guys.” I said sexily. Mi plan waz working oot great. Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him! Now Vampire’s dad wood never die and “OK Satan and Hedwig, u guys can start making out.” I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da ipod.

“Kool.” said Serious as Voldemort and Hedwig started 2 make out sexily. We watched as tdey started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily. Samaro, Serious, Snake and Lucian all watched koz dey wer prolly bi. I noo Snape was bi.

“Oh my fukking god!!!! Voldimort! Voldimort!” screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort’s.

But suddenly everything stopped as da door opend and in kame………………Dumblydore and Mr. Norris!!!!111111111111

Chapter 42. da blak parade

AN: omg da new book iz kumming out rlly soon I kant wait!!!1111. I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!!!!!1111 nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!!!!!111 omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it?? If dey don’t den JKR is hamophobic!!!!!111111 fangz 4 da help wiv facts, medusa u rok!!!111

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I sat depressedly in Dumbledork’s office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian. Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. He looked more young den he did in da future. He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song.

“What da hell is this anyway??” he cackled meanly. I hoped he didn’t find out dat I was frum another time.

“Whatever u do don’t blame Ibony, u jerk.” Satan said.

“Yah, siriusly she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together.” Serious said deviantly.

“Be quiet you Satanists.” Dumbledore cockled. “If ur lucky I’ll probably send u all to Akazaban!!! That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall.” He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n’Sync song. Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! Dumblydore didn’t notece.

“You fucking poser.” I muttoned.

“I bet you’ve never herd of GC.” James said. Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2- Morti McFly’s tim machine!!!!!11

“Shut up Jomes!!!” Drako’s dad shouted.

“Yeah shut up!!!!” Snake said preppily.

“No u shut up Dumblydore!!!!!!!!1111” said Tom.

“I’ve had enough of u Satanists in my school!!!!” shouted Dumbledore spuriously.

Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. “Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8!!! I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in. It was……..Satan.

“You dunderheads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111” screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went.

I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. I was wearing a blak plaid miniskirt with hot pink fishnetz, a sexy blak MCR corset and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. My earrings were blake Satanist sins and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black.

“Hey kool where iz dis?” he asked in an emo voice.

“Dis is da future. Dumbeldore’s iPod dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine.” I told him.

“Kool what’s an ipatch?” he whimpered.

“It’s somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music.” I yakked.

“OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?” he esked in his sexah voice.

“Um I guezz sand????” I laid confuesdly.

“Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon.” He triumphently giggled.

Suddenly some of my friends walked in.

“OMG you’re fucking alive!” said Ginny wearing a blak leather jocket, blak baggy pants and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt. I explained 2 her why I was alive.

“Konichiwa, bitch.” said Willow. She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs with lace all around it and red stipes on it. With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick.

“Hey, motherfucker.” Said Diabolo with his red hair. He waz wearing a black P?ATD t-shit and blak baggy pants.

“Hey whose that, Ibony?” B’loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentarom on it with lace at the bottom, red letther pants with blak lace, and black stolettoes.

“Oh its Satan.” I told her and she nodded knowing da truth.

Suddenly Satan started to cry.

“Are you okay Satan?” we asked concernedly.

“OMFG ur from da future!!1! What if u don’t like m anymore koz were from difrent times?????” he asked.

“No I still like you.” I said sexily to him.

“Ok.” He said ressuredly. I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers by MCR on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. Satan fell asleep. I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside. Profesor Sinister ran in!!!!!!!1111 She was wearing a gothic blak minidress with depressing blak stripes, white and blak stripped tights, and red converse shoes. She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner.

“Oh my fucking god, where’s Draco!!!!111 How did Snap get back here!!! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan.” I asked sadly.

“Ebony I was so worried abott u but I know you can’t fucking die because you’re a vrompire. Snape came back because that girl Britney freed him. I never liked her she was a bad student.” Trevolry said reassuredly.

“That bitch!!!!!!!11 Did she also free Hargrid and Loopin?” I shouted angrily. I hated Britney because she was a fucking prep.

“Yes they are on the loose at this school. Dumblydore is back Cornelia is on his way to help evry1. Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room!!!!!!” Trevolry said worriedly.

“OK. But where’s Dracko???? How cum he was doing it with Snap?????”

“I dunno why but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide after he saw u almost kill urself.” she said.

“OMG dat’s terrible!!!!!!!!” I gasped. Satan was still asleep, so he couldn’t tell what was going on. Then I said “Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay!!!!!!!!!” wiv dat I ran out.

“Good luck Tara!!!!!!!11” everyone cried.

I ran sexily down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me scaredly. There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer. On da way I saw Britney laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a slutty pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink stiletoos. She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan.

“You fucking bitch!!!!!111” I shouted angrily.

“No, your totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!” she laughed.

“Crucious!!!!!!!!!1” I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically.

“No!!!!!!1 Help me!!!!!!1 Please!!!!!!!!1” Britney screamed terrifiedly.

I put up my middle finger at her. In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me. I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it. Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. “OMG Vampira!!!!111” I yielded.

We hugged each udder happily. He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow. His He wus wearing a blak leather Jackson, ledder pants, a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes. He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. (did u hear der song da river it rox!!!1)“I wus so worried you died!” moaned Vampire.

“I know but Im a vampire lol. When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, so neway I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me.”

“Where’s Draco?” I asked spuriously.

“Draco? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you?” Vampir snarkled with anger in his sexy voice.

“I NO BUT WE HAV 2 FIND HIM.” I SED SMARTY.

“I’ll do it den.” Harry said angstily.

“OK.” I argreed. Suddenly……….all da lights in da room went out. And den…….da Dork Mark appeared.

“Oh my fucking satan!!!!!” Harry shouted.

“I fink Voldimort has arrivd.” I sed anxiously. “Fuck, I have to find Draco!!1 I guess we shood separate.”

“Ok.” Vampire sed diapperating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall.

Chapter 43.

AN: I fink after dis I wil hav abott 2 or three mor chapterz. Fangz 2 all muh revyooers not das flamers if u flamed sis story den u suk!!!!!!!!!111111 if u flam den fukk u!!!111

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I walked sexily into the Great Hall. It was empty except for one person. Draco was there!! He sat der in deddly bloom in his blak 666 t-shirt and his baggy blak pants. He had slit his wrists!!!!!111 I felt mad at him for having sexwith Snape but I felt sorry for him. He looked just like Gerard Way with his red eyes and his pale white face.

“Draco are you okay????” I asked.

“I’m not okay.” he screamed depressedly. I thought of the MCR song nd I got even more depressed koz that song always makes me cry. I gave him a pot cigarette and he started to smoke it.

“Oh Draco why did you do it with that fucking bastard Snape?” I asked teardully.

“I-” Draco began to say but suddenly Lupin and Mr. Norris appearated in2 da room!! They didn’t see us.

“Im so glad we me and Snape were freed.” said Loopin.

“Dam, this job would be great if it wasn’t 4 da fukking students!” Mr. Norris argreed.

“Pop addelum!!!!!111” I yielded angrily pointing my wand at them.

“Noooooooo!!!!1” Lupin shouted as chains came on him. Mr. Norris ran away.

“You fukking perv.” I said laughing wiv depths of evil and depressedness in my voice. “Now u have 2 tell us where Voldimort is or I’m gong 2 torture u!!!!”

“I don’t now where he is!!!!1111” said Loopin. Suddenly Satan and Vampire ran in2 da room. Vampir didn’t know who Satan was really.

“Oh my satan, we were so worried about u guys!!1” Vampire said. I looked sexily at Draco with his goffik red eyes with contacts, blak t-shirt that said 666 on it and pale skin like Gerord Way, Vampir with his sexy blak hair and red eyes just like Frank Iero and Satan who looked jist like Brandan Urie then.

I selectively took the caramel from my pocket. And then….. I began frenching Draco sexily. Loopin gasped. Draco began to take all of his cloves off and I could see his white sex-pack. Then Vampire took his own clotes off too. We all began making out 2gther sexily. I took off my blak leather bra, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes. Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol. “Oh mi satan!! Draco!!!!” I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy Den he did da same fing to Harry. I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. “OMS!!!111” cried Vampire. “Oh Vampire! Vampire!!!” I screamed screamed. “Oh Satan!!!!!” yelled Harry in pleasore. Loopin watched in shock. Wee took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists. Suddenly……………………………..

………….a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!!!!!!!11

Chapter 44.

AN: well I hav noffing 2 say but evrt1 stup glamming ok!!111 if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok!!!11 omg I stil kant wait 4 da movie!!!1 tom fleton is so hot lol i hop harry wil bekum gofik koz mi frend told me he iz rlly emo in dis book!!!!1111 omfg im leeving dubya pretty soon kant wait!!! Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak.

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“Dat’s mi car!!!!” shooted Draco angrily. But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. It wuz………….Snape!!!!!

“I shall free you Loopin but first you must help me kill these idiotic donderheads.” he said cruelly from the car as it flew circumamcizing above us. “Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way must be killed. Den the Dork Lord shall never die!!!!”

“You fucking prep!!!” yelled Draco. Then he loked at me sadly. “I forgot to tell u, Ebony. Snape made me do it with him. I didn’t really have sexx him but he’s a ropeist!!!!”

We all put our clothes on quickly except Satan. We were so scarred!!!!1 But Satan didn’t change. Instead he changed into a man with gren eyes, no nose, a gray robe and white skin. He had changed into………… Voldemont!!!!!!!111

“I knew who thou were all along.” he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. “Now I shall kill thee all!!!!!!” Thunder came in da room.

“No plz don’t kill us!” pleaded Vampire. Suddenly Willow, B’loody Mary, Diabolo, Ginny, Drocula, Fred and Gorge, Hargrid, McGonagall, Dumblydore, Serious and Lucian all ran in.

“What is da meaning of dis?” Dumblydore asked all angrily and Voldimort lookd away (bcos dumblydore is da only whizard he is scared of.) He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily. Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik.

“Oh my goth!” Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik)

“The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!!!!” Snape ejaculated menacingly.

“You fucking preppy fags!” Serious shouted angrily.

“I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!!!” screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco’s car. It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera.

“Oh my fucking god!!!1” I cried becoze the video of me in da bathrum, the video of me dong it wif Drako and the video of Satan doing it with

“If you kill me then deze cideos will be shown to everyone in the skull. Then u can be just like that goffik girl Paris Hillton.” He laughed meanly.

“No!” I scremed. “FYI I hav da picter of u doing it with Loopin!!!!11”

“Whats she talking abott??????” Lupin slurped as he sat in chains.

“I saw 2 she’s gunna show evry1 da picter!!!111” Harry shouted angrily.

“Shut up!!!111’” Lumpkin roared.

“Foolish ignoramuses!!!!!!” yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. “Thou shall all dye soon.”

“Think again you fucking muggle poser!!!!!1” Harry yelled and then he and Diablo and Navel both took out blak guns! But Voldimort took out his own one.

“U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!!!!!!!111” I shouted despariedrly.

“Acco Nevel’s wand!!!11” cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil’s wind was in his hands. “Now I shall kill thee all and Evony u will die!!!!!!!!11111”

He maid lighting come all over da place.

“Save us Ebony!” Dumbledark cried.

I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent.

“ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!!!!!!!11111” I shooted.

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zippdementia · 4 years ago

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Part 87 Alignment May Vary: The Sea of Moving Ice

One of the biggest rules of being a good DM is letting your players take direction and control over the story. It is hard to do, sometimes, especially in D&D, where the DM is often put in the position of knowing everything the PCs are going to encounter (per a dungeon map) and in charge of directing a story that they are told by a module. It is something I have gotten better at as I’ve developed as a DM and yet this game presents a unique challenge in that it has gone on for so long and has incorporated so many story elements and plot lines that, as we draw close to a conclusion, there is an element of linearity that is being assumed (we aren’t starting any new huge unresolveable plotlines).

During this next section, which took us about six sessions to play through, and will be broken into two blog posts, I had to remind myself of that a lot and ultimately was able to let go and let the PCs steer the plot into areas I didn’t foresee at all.

Speaking of steering, this section opens with the Players traveling through a teleport in Vraath Keep to Waterdeep, and from there boarding a vessel, an Icebreaker, to take them north into the uncharted Sea of Moving Ice. This is an adventure lifted straight from Tyranny of Dragons, though changed drastically to fit our story needs. I fell in love with the idea of a dungeon embedded in an iceberg and really wanted to bring that into the campaign.

Brief note on the party’s time in Waterdeep: just to set the stage for the current political climate, while in Waterdeep the party learns that while the Alliance (a political banding together of Waterdeep, Baldur’s Gate, and five lesser cities, whose seat of power is in Waterdeep) has allowed Karina to link her teleport to their city, they are not very supportive of her war effort and feel that getting involved in a war on foreign soil in the Elsir Vale is not very worth their time or attention. They feel powerful enough to repel any invasion that happens to cross the water and seek to attack the Sword Coast; they worry that Karina’s power and influence make her a figure that people would follow and there are some that mutter that the best thing to happen would be for her and the undead to die fighting each other.

Into the White

So why are the PCs heading into the Frozen North? What are they looking for? The set up I use for this adventure is that Karina gets a vision in a dream, a message from a dragon she once gave The Rod of Storms to, in exchange for “treasure when she needed it.” The dream tells her to go to the Sea of Moving Ice and find a particular iceberg named Oyaviggaton, which is native for “Winter’s Crown.” However, Karina cannot leave Vraath Keep right now. This vision comes 80 years or so after she initially traded for it. She did not suspect she would be in the middle of running a war when it came. Karina sends the players, in her stead, telling them that her visions showed her an iceberg, and beneath the iceberg, a library. And beneath the library, something for her, waiting... encased in a massive wall of ice.

Cliff Notes: A long while ago, during the Haggemoth adventure, Karina traded the Rod of Storms away to a Bronze Dragon. It was a cool moment and at the time it let me get rid of a troublesome item and focus on the character growth that was happening with Karina. But the dragon made a promise: one day, when the time was right, it would repay her with a gift. Now that time has come! The Rod of Storms ended up coming back into the game, as well, in the hands of one of the Red Hand generals, and from there it was taken by Nysyries, and when she was killed by Harpies it.... geez, I actually don’t recall after that. I remember at some point Aldric got it and it got powered up by an elemental elder on the plane of air, and then Imoaza killed Aldric to get the Rod and then it was used to build Black Razor Alpha... I mean, this item has woven itself in and out of our story. I thank Robert Kendzie for designing it, as part of Haggemoth!

There is a mechanic in the Sea of Moving Ice adventure that determines, using simple dice rolls, how often a random encounter occurs and after how many encounters the PCs find the iceberg they are looking for. I take this table for our use, but with a twist: I come up with a bunch of new encounters and, depending on what they roll, decide to use those to build up the next part of the story. Imoaza’s player ends up getting the first encounter and it’s one I had hoped to use... three Buer Hags (from Vollo’s Guide).

Buer hags are ice Hags, and I play this encounter up, where they attack the Icebreaker while wheeling and laughing about in a storm they created. They try to lock the Icebreaker onto the side of a huge glacier and partially succeed before the party drives them off with powerful magic. But a few things come out of this encounter. First, they realize that Ruz is a changeling and they tell her something strange: “You’ve come looking for the other one, haven’t you? But you can’t have her. You can’t have our child!”

Also, during the fight, one of the Hags descends on a crewsman manning the crow’s nest and brutally devours him alive. The gory display combined with a blast of a spell from the Hags to amplify its effects overloads Milosh’s circuits and he becomes convinced that he is on a mission in his old life, chasing something infinitely important and yet completely undefinable across the fertile plains of his homeworld, Eberon. He charges out into the icy waste and disappears. After combat, Imoaza and Ruz wait for him for a while while helping to fix up the ship. But when he doesn’t return after an hour, they decide they need to go find him. What follows is definitely a side quest and was nothing I expected to happen this adventure, but it is a piece I love. All three of them become lost out in the snowy expanse of the glacier, trying to come up with ways to find their way and find each other. Like Milosh uses a scrying spell to try to find if anyone is around him. And Imoaza has a cool idea. A while back I mentioned she got a glimpse of the Weave, the magic that surrounds everything. So now she asks if she can try to find the Weave again and use it to trace Milosh’s passage. It’s such a fun idea, we run with it, and Imoaza rolls for Arcana, scoring a critical success! With this, the dice are telling the story for us: Imoaza not only taps into the Weave Sight but finds that she can see more than ever before! Around this time, Milosh casts his scrying spell, and to Imoaza it is like a siren going off in her Weave Sight. She tells Ruz and they head off towards Milosh’s location.

The crater Milosh found himself in was cut in half by a humongous Chasm. Milosh thought briefly of taking shelter there from the coming storm but almost immediately discarded the thought. Something about the chasm was uninviting. Or no, that wasn’t quite right. Uninviting means uncomfortable, the opposite of desirous. And a hole in the ground certainly fit that description. But the chasm went beyond this. Looking at it Milosh could almost see the chasm walls pulsing, like they were breathing, like he was staring down the gullet of a gigantic black beast. Milosh didn’t react without purpose to most things, yet staring into that void he shuddered involuntarily and took a step back.

The Crater does indeed hold a monster and it attacks just as Ruz and Imoaza find and reach Milosh. A mighty Remorhaz bursts free of the chasm and chases down the players, fully intending to swallow one of them to slowly digest as it returns to hibernation. Rather than fight it, Ruz casts fly on everyone and they boost out of there, Milosh firing a delayed fireball out of his gun-arm into the furnace like maw of the Remorhaz as they do... as the Remorhaz is immune to fire, it does nothing, except convince them they are making the right choice. This sets us up to run a crazy chase scene, the Remorhaz charging through the snow beneath them as they fly away, trying to not let the building storm knock them back into the awakened creature’s grasp.

They eventually lose it and make their way back to the ship, but one more thing happens before they set sail.

it looked like an abandoned battle site than a camp, Ruz could now see. She silently thanked Karina for the gift of the magical robes that seemed to keep her warm as she bent in the snow and ran a fur-gloved hand through the wreckage of bone and wood that she had found nestled into the shadow of the rock. She frowned as her hand bumped against something else, something made of leather. A bag... and inside, a journal? She picked it up. The pages had not gotten wet, thankfully, and so she teased open the frozen spine and began to read.

As they finally sail away from this glacier, the party spots an old campsite next to what looks like a fortress wall and decides to investigate. They find the remains of some kind of explorer’s party and Ruz finds a journal he does not share with the others. It belonged to a Changeling, someone who was being rescued from the Buer Hags who had stolen her. However, before the party could escape, they were found here in their final campsite and wiped out (or so Ruz can assume, for the journal ends with the words, “I can feel it in the air. My mothers are close.”)

While Ruz reads, Imoaza and Milosh examine the fortress wall. Imoaza finds strange runes all over it and before she can warn him, Milosh scales the wall and sees beyond it where a hole disappears into the earth. Imoaza’s Weave Sight shows her the runes lighting up and something awakening beyond the wall, just as Milosh hears the sobbing of babies coming from the hole and a scrabbling sound.

Terried, the three dart back to the ship and sail away.

Ready Player Two?

The players are ambushed. It starts with Kobolds, dropping boulders on their ship as it sails down a narrow avenue formed by two glaciers that will, over the course of decades, eventually touch each other. Imoaza flies up to the glacier lip to do battle and while up there, she is attacked by something far worse, a hideous long limbed humanoid which makes a cry like a wailing child as it leaps at her. Imoaza is taken.

This scenario was set up based on their action last time, which released something, or many somethings, that have been hunting them since. But it was also a necessity from a meta game perspective, as we have a session where Imoaza’s player won’t be joining us. So this removes her from the action while keeping suspension high.

I had intended this to be a quick scene, where the PCs realize they are outnumbered and have to abandon their ship to sail away on rowboats, as the boulders from the Kobolds are sinking their boat. Ruz actually does something incredibly clever: he uses a chromatic orb of cold to freeze the holes in the ship and asks if the ship can stay afloat long enough to get them out of there. I say yes... but then I also effectively cut this out as a possibility as three of the long limbed demon-like horrors drop down on the deck and start killing crew.

The result is the scene I intended: there are some nice moments of tension as Ruz and Milosh try to fight back while also freeing their rowboats (some cool uses of Telekineses to do this) and trying to save as many of the crew as possible from the horrid beasts. At the same time, it puts the players on rails more than I like to do. My general thoughts when DMing are not to overplan and not to try to force players into a specific scenario unless the story absolutely calls for it. Those times are RARE, and even then should be made as natural and organic as possible and STILL a DM should be ready for everything to change on them in an instant. Truly good games come from those unexpected changes, those twists and turns that the DM cannot anticipate and must follow to their conclusion. In this case, having the float still be a factor would not have been a detriment to the story and would have made the players feel empowered, which has always been my goal. But I miss it in the moment, and so they escape the ship and Milosh blows it up with a delayed fireball (kinda becoming his Megabuster Signature move).

Still, despite me missing this opportunity, other things arise because of it. The PCs pick up a few survivors out of the water, including the one-eyed, hook handed Captain, and set out into a lonely night broken by a sea of stars above them. And in this moment, Ruz and Milosh share a very cool, player directed, bonding moment. Ruz casts a psychic spell so they can speak without “speaking,” and maybe because of the quiet blackness, the rocking of the boat, their exhaustion, or the incredible otherworldly view of the stars, they transcend the physical plane and end up together in another space. Hear, Milosh sees Ruz’s true Changeling form and Ruz reveals what she is. She also reveals what she read in the journal and that she believes there is another Changeling out here on the ice, somewhere. The two speak of Imoaza and refuse to believe she is gone. They speak of their purpose and realize that both of them have lost a piece of their purpose. Milosh’s entire existence was devoted to the Surveyor, or in this case the next closest thing (Carrick, possessed of a piece of the Surveyor’s soul). With him gone, he now doggedly pursues the prophecy, trying to stop it from coming to fruition. But he does so without direction and without a thought to what might come after. Ruz, on the other hand, lost her entire history, displaced from a world she knew to a near eternity spent in Chaos. Now she has returned to find her city destroyed, her homeland under siege, and she has no one left to fight for except herself. Ruz says that no matter what, she will not be a sacrifice to this new Faerun she doesn’t know. She has sacrificed enough. She wants to find a family and live again. They both agree that their goals mean seeing this war through to its end, winning it, and then having the freedom to move on. Overwhelmed by Ruz’s candor, Milosh reveals his truth to her, as well: that he was taken from another world, aeons ago... so long ago he is not even sure that world exists anymore. He was placed in this cybernetic body by the Surveyor and told to pursue the prophecy. He does not know what future he would even want for himself, now.

Their discussion is interrupted by the captain, who tells them they are coming up on the iceberg they sought.

In Tyranny of Dragons, Oyaviggaton is the primary dungeon, an iceberg home to a white dragon who is dominating the Eskimo-esque villagers who reside on its floating lair. I’ve changed this scenario a little, making the Dragon a trio of witches and adding in some story-related pieces to the dungeon, as well as changing some of its challenges to match my level 16 and 17 (Milosh) characters. But the primary outline I’ve kept the same, and that ends up leading to some unexpected ire on the part of my players. See, in the original, the natives on the island are suspicious of the outsiders and stage a fight between them and their champion warrior, Orcaheart. They say it is to be a one-on-one fight with NO MAGIC... and then they cheat during the fight (the shaman, Bonecarver, heals Orcaheart). And if caught cheating, they turn this around on the players and attack them for daring to accuse their shaman. It’s a very hostile moment and it is definitely meant to conjure up the “hostile natives in a strange land” trope that is part of many pulp fiction works of yore. And despite it being anachronistic and unintentionally racist, it does touch on a style of storytelling that is so embedded in Western culture that I can’t help but be enamored with the moment. It’s problematically familiar.

That said, it also has a major design trap for the unwary DM. And tonite, I was that DM.

See, if the natives are under the thrall of an evil force, then the whole point is that the PCs should want to help them. Having the natives cheat and lie during what is supposed to be an honorable fight doesn’t enamor them to the PCs. In fact, it is liable to make players loathe them. This could potentially be circumvented by some really big clues as to what is going on behind the scenes or, even better, by making one of the natives a very obvious ally, who can then also explain what’s going on. The text even suggests this be Bonecarver... but that is hurt by the fact that they also make Bonecarver the one who cheats!

Had I thought about this ahead of time, I would have taken out the cheating entirely. It doesn’t add anything except more conflict, and this is already literally a head on brawl. You don’t need the extra bit. But I don’t think about it and the end result is a laughable amount of rage being directed at these already victimized natives. Milosh is the one to go up against the mighty Orcaheart and he almost wins... but the cheating means he gets knocked unconscious and when Ruz spots and points out the cheating by using magic of his own to strengthen his voice, the natives turn on him as an evil mage and knock him out, too.

Oh man, the players are pissed! They wake up inside the iceberg dungeon and, spotting three frog-like humanoids going through their belongings, immediately unleash hell upon one of them, smashing him to jelly against a wall. The others reveal they were sent by Bonecarver to help them proceed deeper into the iceberg and fight the witches. Then they hand them potions (a third is currently smashed against the wall) and flee for their lives.

The players make a pact to (a) stop the witches, and (b) burn the village to the ground.

Below the Berg

Now inside the Iceberg (and on a new session), it’s time to bring the party back together. Milosh and Ruze begin searching the dungeon and in the process come across a couple of trophy rooms: rooms where giant monsters and even an entire treasure galleon have been frozen by the power of the Bhuer Sisters. They also encounter more Kobolds, these ones carrying Imoaza, who has been frozen in a block of ice!

The players make quick work of the Kobolds (two turns) and go to work on freeing Imoaza with fire spells. When the block of ice is damaged enough, she comes back to her senses and breaks free with Blackrazor suddenly in her hand and a wild look in her eyes. Her two companions back away and try to talk sense into her. But Imoaza is seeing other people... Aldric is in front of her, accusing her of his murder and taunting her for getting trapped in a cold place... like the place he died. Imoaza reacts as she does to most opposition: disdainfully. And in her disdain, she finds her way back to the present. But Aldric’s voice will forever be taunting her, now. This is an indefinite madness, a leftover of her harrowing experience being ambushed by the Wendigo, the hideous creature with the cry like a child that captured her and brought her unconscious to the witches, who froze her for their keepsake. Aldric’s player (now playing Milosh) actually role plays this voice out when appropriate, basically bringing the voice of Aldric back into the game, even if Imoaza is the only one who can hear it.

The three, now reunited, set about exploring more of the iceberg. They find many interesting things here, which will be detailed in the next post: Still Frozen.

#dnd 5e #D&D #Dungeons & Dragons #Tyranny of Dragons #Forgotten Realms

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steviehertz · 7 years ago

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Who’s teaching your cab driver? In New York, that’s a tricky question

A student at VTG Institute takes his test. When he takes the exam, it’s only him and Andrew Vollo in the room. (Stevie Hertz)

Every cab and ride-share driver has to pass a multiple-choice exam from the city’s Taxi and Limousine Commission (TLC). But a lot rides on where drivers get their training.

At Abaan Goog Transportation Education Academy in Queens, 96% of students pass the exam on their first try. At VTG Institute, in Midtown Manhattan, the pass rate on the first try is half that.

Although the TLC must approve schools, the number has increased from 4, in May 2016, to 16 now. Demand for driver education has surged since 2015, when ride-sharing drivers began having to meet the same training standard as taxi drivers.

The system changed again in September 2016 when the TLC created a single license authorizing people to drive both taxis and rideshare cars. Since then, almost 32,000 people have become qualified, which involves a 24-hour course and getting 70% of the questions right on the exam.

Students can fail the exam for any number of reasons: they might be new to the city and unfamiliar with the geography, they might not be used to taking a test on a computer or they might make mistakes on their timing — or they might not have been taught well.

TLC Deputy Commissioner Allan Fromberg said in an email that the approval process includes “a site visit and a comprehensive review of the applicant’s training materials, insurance coverage, and ADA compliance.” He and others at the agency “consider the TLC Driver License a success, and do not currently anticipate any changes.”

A teacher at Advance TLC School in the Bronx conducts a map-reading lesson. Grobman emphasizes their investment in Macs and big screen displays, instead of whiteboards. (Stevie Hertz)

Others were not so certain. Brian Grobman is managing partner of Advance TLC School, where 82% of English-language students passed the test the first time.

“Stop opening up schools,” he said. “Start regulating, start coming around, surprise checks. Send in spies; see what’s going on. We’re getting a lot of students from other schools. They’re not passing, they’re complaining [about bad teaching]”

Grobman attributes his school’s high pass rate to its custom training materials, which break down the rules into “layman’s terms bullet points.”

“Most of the schools are not doing this… We try to make the course interesting and fun.”

He said while the TLC checks on a school when they open, visits soon drop off. “If you’re going to have TLC-approved schools,” he added, “you have to regulate them.”

Massimo Sarta drives for Uber and earned his license four months ago. He described the process as “a big investment”, particularly taking time off work for the three-day class. Although his teachers were helpful, he had to study outside of class.

Andrew Vollo, president of VTG Institute. He’s been teaching people to drive taxis since 1984, but in May 2017 he opened his own school. (Stevie Hertz)

The head of VTG Institute, which has the first-time pass rate of 48%, also called for increased regulation. Andrew Vollo, president, said, “If I were the TLC, I would be in every school. Because the stories that you hear about some of the schools … it’s almost frightening.”

Vollo has been teaching taxi drivers since 1984. “Drivers would come to you and they want to give you like, $500 or $600. I have to sit back and say, ‘Guy, listen, I love you but if you do that you’re going to get in a lot of trouble.’ … A lot of these guys are very desperate.”

Tests are given at the driving schools, proctored by instructors.

Vollo blames his school’s low pass rate on a string of poor referrals. Many of the students had already failed the test at other schools.

Students can retake the test as many times as necessary in a 90-day period, for a fee ranging from $60 — $75 each time, depending on the school. Vollo reports having a student who took the test “seven times before he could pass.”

The test itself is 80 questions, covering rules, geography, and customer service. The practice test asks drivers questions like where Chinatown is relative to the World Trade Center site, or when drivers can refuse a fare.

Between April and June 2017, schools averaged 73% of students passing on their first attempt.

This article was first published at Transit New York on Sept. 28 2017

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oyecomovas · 4 years ago

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#vollo #ask

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zippdementia · 7 years ago

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Zipp’s Guide to Monster Conversion (3.5 /PF to 5th Edition D&D)

Note: an updated version of this guide with a fully stated Criosphinx can be found here for free.

I play a lot of 3.5 adventures, but I prefer the 5th edition rules. So this means I do a lot of conversions. After months of playing around with numbers, I have hit upon a system that I have tried enough and feel confident enough about to share.

When converting a monster/creature/bad-ass Blackguard with an Unholy Mace, remember there is no right and wrong conversion. If you make a Goblin who rolls 2d12 for damage, that’s not “against the rules” just because Goblins don’t normally do that. You can DO anything. The goal in conversion is to try and keep the intention of the original adventure, including its difficulty. So if you are converting a Goblin Beserker that is supposed to deal mighty damage with its massive spiked gauntlets worn on its over-muscled arms, then give it that 2d12 damage and don’t look back!

Above all, don’t get stuck trying to perfect your creation. Remember: even WOTC conversions, like those seen in the Yawning Portal, are only “official.” They are not perfect.

The perfect conversion is the one which works at your table and makes the moment you are trying to recreate a memorable one. Using these guidelines has helped me many times in achieving that. If it can help you do the same, then great!

Before Anything Else...

The first step is deciding, hey, is there an easier way to do this? By that I mean, does this monster or something “close enough for jazz” already exist in fifth edition?

For instance, if I have a sneaky backstabber character I need to convert, rather than try to simulate 3 levels of fighter and 2 of rogue, how about I just use the “Master Thief” NPC from Vollo’s Guide? I can easily change out the thief’s base stats for those listed in the original module and if there is some special ability that is key to the backstabber’s encounter, then I can add that in (maybe he uses a special poison that I need to recreate). With that, I have converted the character with a minimal of steps. Just make sure you take a second look at Hit Points. They can get a bit funky in the conversion, as you will see later on.

In the case of the Criosphinx, there is nothing equivalent in the MM. There are Sphinxes, but they are different enough (and far more powerful) that I feel I have to start from scratch on this one.

Challenge Rating

This is the first thing I look at. It tells you a lot about what your monster should look like, in terms of power (even if the end result doesn’t keep the same CR). A good rule of thumb is that whatever the 3.5 CR is, the 5th edition CR tends to be one lower. After figuring that out, I match the new CR to the CR in the DMG to figure out proficiency, which helps me build everything else, from attack bonus to skill bonuses.

The Criosphinx is listed as a CR 7 in the module. Looking at a CR 6 monster in the DMG tells me its proficiency should be +3. I also get a general sense of what a creature at that level has in terms of health, AC, damage, and attack bonus. CR 6 is my target, now!

Base Statistics

Charisma, Dexterity, Strength, etc... these can almost always stay exactly the same. The only red flag here is for exceptionally powerful stats, like a Strength of 23 or a Constitution of 25, because modifiers in DnD 5 are more conservative than in earlier editions. For instance, if Strength and Proficiency end up giving +9 to athletics, that is a HUGE boost for all grapple rolls and could potentially give your monster a party shattering ability to pin down the players or make a Strength based DC of one of their abilities far too hard to withstand. It is not WRONG to leave such stats this high, but make sure you review it for potential problems.

After reviewing the Criosphinx stats, I see that STR is listed as 23. As flavor, I like this, because the Criosphinx, based on a ram, should hit like a brick to the face, but for my party level I feel it is a little over powered, so I reduce it to 19. Still plenty of oomph with a +4 modifier, and since I want to use its “push” feature quite a bit to try and knock players off of platforms, it will make its strength bonus to athletics a little more reasonable than the +6 it would have gotten. This also will help reduce its attack bonus and thus its overall CR, helping me not overshoot my CR 6 target.

Skills and Saves, Resistances and Vulnerabilities

As a rule, D&D 5 monsters don’t tend to have skills and saves, whereas all D&D 3.5 monsters do. To decide whether your converted monster has these things, look at their stat block. If one of their skills or saves is really high, or one of their common attack abilities relies on doing something that involves skills (like grappling or shoving), they should gain proficiency in the relevant skill or save. Also, if they have certain feats that let them dodge or soak hits, consider giving them a save. Common flags for me are the feats evasion and toughness, which I consider giving Dex and Con saves for, respectively. There are so many feats in Pathfinder/3.5 that you may have to do some research on them to decide which ones deserve skills/saves.

The Criosphinx relies heavily on its Bull Rush attack and on tossing people around with its strength, so one skill I decide it really needs is Athletics (+7). It also is listed as having a pretty high listen skill (+11) so I decide it deserves proficiency in Perception (+3). Then, because the adventure wants it to be disguised as a statue when it first appears, I decide to give it Stealth (+3). That will also be fun in case it flies into the mist and hides, waiting for a surprise attack. Lastly, I give it a Con save because its Fort save in 3.5 is fairly high and I feel like it fits the monster.

Attacks and Damage

This is where you get to have the most fun. D&D5 monsters are boiled down to their purest elements. Rather than having a ton of feats which offer special attack options and full round attacks versus one action attacks, DND5 simplifies things. As a general rule, monster attacks can be broken down into the following categories (and in each category they will have only ONE option):

Weapon attack (sometimes one for ranged, one for melee, and rarely another for different kinds of damage like a bite attack for piercing)

Weapon attack with special effect, usually requiring a save roll (like pulling someone prone after the attack)

Special ability which usually does something other than damage, but has a detrimental effect on the victim, like a mummy using its gaze to cast fear (requires saving roll)

When converting, you are trying to come up with attacks that let the monster act as it was intended. So if a monster uses tentacles in 3rd edition with a special grappling feat, that grapple effect can either be added to its normal attack as a secondary “save against” option, or can be put in as a second action, like “tentacle grab.” Damage is determined by size or by natural weapons (which is pretty much up to DM discretion) plus the appropriate modifiers, and “to hit” is determined by modifiers and proficiency. Really, the only thing you are building from scratch is special effects and when doing so keep in mind that you don’t have to come up with an equivalent move for EVERYTHING. Pick what the key attacks or abilities are and use the above limitations to determine if you are going overboard. THE GOLDEN RULE: if the ability is just another option for the monster and not something it will use on a regular basis, it is better not to convert it.

If a monster would get multiple attacks on a full attack action, that is turned into multi-attack here, the number of attacks determined by their challenge rating. Look to the damage output in the DMG CR table, page 274, to determine how many attacks they should get and what you want your damage dice to be (you can also look at similar monsters to get a feel for what natural weapons should roll on damage dice).

Spells can be direct copied from third edition and you can either find the closest 5th edition equivalent for spells which don’t exist in this edition or you can get creative and convert them as you see fit. Legendary Abilities, Special Abilities, and Special Rules are all open to DM discretion and can mime passive abilties like uncanny dodge or auras. Note that many feats and abilities from 3rd edition don’t need to be converted as their mechanics aren’t really appropriate to 5th edition. This is especially true of improved critical, improved initiative, cleave, and combat reflexes. Things like power attack and bull rush can either be worked into the attack damage and effects if they are especially important to the monster or its attack strategies, or ignored.

Gore is one of the Criosphinx’s attacks, and it treats as an extension of a double claw attack. This sounds like multi-attack material to me, so I stat out a claw-claw combo that it can use every turn. In addition, I really want that “shove” feature of Bull Rush to be a part of this fight (and it is written as a key strategy of the Criosphinx in the module) so I give it an alternate attack option, Bull Rush, which does decent damage and can push the players around if they fail a Str Save (for the DC on this, I use the CR 6 standard DC of 15 as given in the DMG).

As for abilities, it is labeled as having flyby, so I give it that. I also give it inscrutable, because the other 5th edition sphinxes have that.

Armor Class

There is a formula for converting DCs from 3.5 to 5 that I like a lot, and it seems to be very accurate. It is: (3.5 DC - 10)/2 +10 = 5 DC (Round up). So if the 3.5 DC is 23, then you get 23 - 10 = 13/2 = 6.5 + 10 = 16.5 = 5th DC is 17.

Because Armor Class is basically a DC where you roll your attack skill, the same method works great for converting it (for AC under 11, just use the AC as written).

Note: this is only for natural armor. For characters who wear armor, usually humanoids, use the standard method of the armor’s AC plus any appropriate Dexterity bonuses.

The Criosphinx is listed with an AC of 20 in 3.5, so using the formula I end up with AC 15. Because this isn’t a monster which wears armor, I don’t add Dex to this, I consider it part of the overall calculation.

Hit Points

In general, monsters in 5E have 2 more hit dice levels then their counterpart in 3.5. But it is more complex than just adding a few hit points, because enemy hit dice in 3.5 are class based, whereas enemy hit dice in 5 are size based, so the conversion doesn’t happen smoothly. For instance, a Barbarian Hobgoblin in Pathfinder is going to roll d10′s or d12′s for each of its levels, because it is a Barbarian. But a Fifth Edition Barbarian Hobgoblin is going to roll d8′s, because they are medium sized. To get this to work right, you need to do a little math. Here are the steps...

Figure out your creature’s size. Medium monsters and creatures have 1d8 each level (this is the one you will use most often). Take this number and divide it by half, then add 0.5 to get your “average hit points per level” (AHP) For 1d8 it is 4.5.

Divide the 3.5 creature’s hit points by the AHP. Round up. This will give you the creature’s adjusted level.

Add two to this level. This is the creature’s Fifth Edition level. Don’t be concerned if it seems ridiculously high, like 18 or 22. Remember, this isn’t CR, it is just for determining health.

You can represent this level as the number of dice +/- their Constitution Modifier per level. So for a level 13 medium sized monster with a +3 CON, it would read 13d8+39 for an average HP of 98 (and a possible HP of 143).

Once you have that average hit point number and possible hit point amount, you can play around with numbers within that range to make the monster have a lower or higher final CR, see below.

A third edition Criosphinx has about 85 hitpoints and is a large creature. Using the formula above using D10 as my base gives me 18, so 18d10+54 (average of 153).

Wrapping it up...

The final step is figuring out what the 5th edition CR of your newly converted creature is. Use the guidelines on page 274 of the DMG, follow its instructions to get the average CR, and then compare it to the CR you intended back when you started. If it matches, then you are done. Congratulations! If it doesn’t match, then you might have some tweaking to do.

First, consider how far off the CR is. If the DMG CR is only a point below your intended CR, look at your monster. Does it cast spells or have legendary abilities or powerful resistances that the CR average doesn’t take into effect? For instance, a Mage’s hit points, AC, and damage output may list him as a CR 2 monster, but if he can cast spells like wall, haste, magic missile, and command and has a high wisdom/intelligence bonus to back those spells up, he may very well destroy a party who wipes the floor with hordes of CR 2 Orcs. Similarly, if your monster has spells and lots of special abilities, it may actually be a point or two tougher than the DMG is telling you. In this case, you can label it with your intended CR.

But, if the CR the DMG gave you is HIGHER than you intended, you probably want to look into making it a little less powerful (unless it has really bad vulnerabilities or other exploits). Similarly, if the DMG CR is more than a point lower than your intended CR, you probably need to make the monster stronger.

If you need to adjust the monster, you can easily do so by adjusting health or damage output. Raising one of the monster’s base stats could potentially add bonuses to its hit, damage, health, or AC. Just play around with the numbers using page 274 in the DMG to check your work until you get the desired CR out of the DMG.

You shouldn’t have to change much: I never have. But it does provide a nice check on your work, especially if you are making up your own attacks or damage dice for natural weapons.

#homebrew #dnd conversion #dnd 5e #Pathfinder #DnD 3.5 #Monster #Criosphinx

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zippdementia · 7 years ago

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Part 30 Alignment May Vary: In for the Long Hall (sic)

The water trapped room slams shut behind them as they exit, Karina’s tampering having disrupted it for now. They cannot go back, so the players must go forward. But first, they decide to add a new member to the team.

Long ago, the players defeated an enchantress known as “Rose,” and Karina stole her magic book, setting her on the path to multi-classing into wizard. Now, Karina decides to cast one of the spells she studied so long to learn. She casts find-familiar.

Guts of Barghest. Ground bone dust. A hot fire. Blood of a demon. Purified water. Such were a few of the items in the list of components needed for the spell. Karina did not know where she would have found the guts of a Barghest, but she had seen plenty of bones in her journey, and she happened to have a steady supply of demon’s blood, being a Tiefling. Anyway, Rose’s component pouch (which she had also stolen) had the remainder of the items (at least she guessed the dried out entrails which looked like fat worms were the guts of an unfortunate Barghest).

The rest of the instructions were as complex as the ingredient list, but Karina had studied them for weeks and found, as she did with most things magical, that understanding seemed to come to her less than a gut feeling that led her movements and gave the words she spoke power.

The ritual took an hour to complete, while her companions rested on the landing as best they could, their armor loosened so as to give some relief from its weight.

Near the end of the ritual, things became loud. Booming laughter echoed from the circle she had drawn in chalk on the floor. Smoke exploded in small puffs with sounds like the cracking of skulls. And then, in the midst of one of the puffs of smoke, a shape formed.

It was small. It had wings and also a tail. Its body was humanoid with a few distortions that made the whole thing seem wrong somehow, a hodge podge of elements like the tail and the horns and the flat pig nose and the sharp row of needle-like teeth that lined the too-large mouth.

“Mistress Rose?” the small creature asked. “Moonglum has come back to answer your call!”

It takes a little explanation to get the imp caught up the speed and a little cajoling to get him to agree to work with the party. Then, with her new imp familiar, Karina begins to scout out the remainder of the dungeon, as they plan their next move. Their goal: find the end of the tomb. The obstacle: this isn’t the real tomb.

Haggemoth always knew that his legend would attract tomb robbers and he needed to be left in peace to complete his master plan, his life’s opus. Furthermore, because of the many blockades he had put in place to actually finding his tomb, he knew that anyone who did come would be either (a) a powerful and hungry monster from the jungles of Rori Rama, or (b) a proven group of adventurers who likely had experience in traversing deadly places deep under the world.

Because of this, he built two tombs. First, he dug out tunnels inside the mountain and layered these halls with traps and the trappings of a crazed wizard, hoping to frighten adventurers away (or kill them) before they could get to his real tomb. Only this wasn’t meant to be a tomb. Deep beneath the mountain, Haggemoth has his true home, a place of magical comforts and research, only dangerous because Haggemoth’s final preparations didn’t go as planned and chaos ensued as a result. But more on that later.

For now, the players begin exploring the second part of the upper levels, rooms 17-25 on the map below. With Moonglum looking for traps and dangers, they soon discover that there are dangers all around them, including walls that slam together and a strange fungal growth breaking through the secret door leading to room 19. Room 20 controls the water trap, but there is a dead man here with his face burnt off from steam. They take his helmet of telepathy and some unidentified healilng potions he had on them, which they get very nervous about when I tell them (innocently) to record them as “Dead Man’s Potions” (note to self: if you want your players to drink a potion, maybe don’t put “dead” in its title).

The biggest threat comes from the shaded hallway to the east, amrked 23 on the map. This is a complex conveyor belt trap whose function they discover by using the crystal ball from the tomb of Udo the Grey and some experimentation. When activated, it turns the floor into two conveyor belts that run towards the middle of the hall, depositing anyone unfortunate enough to be caught on them into a set of industrial strength grinders that can easily be an instant kill (or at least a permanent loss of a limb). This terrifies them, rightly so, and they decide they need to find a way to turn this trap off before proceeding.

Eventually the players proceed north, which they deem the most safe passage, taking a winding set of stairs down to a large room with a single solitary statue...

Cloaked

“That has to be a trap,” Karina said to the group.

“Oh most certainly,” Tyrion said.

“It would seem to make sense,” Xaviee added.

“Why would it be trapped?” Abenthy asked, the one voice of dissent.

The statue in question was tall and seemed very old, judging by the battered feet and the areas where paint had peeled away and become mildewy in the cold damp of the chamber. They couldn’t see much beyond the feet, for draped over the statue was an old leather cloak, large enough to cover most of its features.

Karina’s mind went through a half dozen possibilities, none of them good. Was the statue a hibernating gorgon, having been defeated at last moment by a cloak of slumber wrapped over it? Would they release its terrifying gaze when they removed the cloak? Or was this the sign of a lurking basilisk, who waited for adventurers to wander into its lair and then trapped them here? Karina quickly looked over her shoulder at the one entrance to the room, almost sure she could hear soft padding footsteps descending the stairs towards them. Maybe the cloak was magically cursed, set here to entice adventurers, and then draining them of their abilities the longer they wore it.

“Let’s leave,” she said. “This is too obvious, too easy. We need to leave this room now.”

If Abenthy heard the panic in her voice, he ignored it. “We leave no stone unturned. It’s the only way we will find Haggemoth. Justice will protect us.”

And saying no more, he reached for the cloak. They had a glimpse of the statue underneath, the face either worn smooth by the years or left blank intentionally by its creator. Either way, it was non descript, and it did not come to life to attack them. But the cloak shifted in Abenthy’s hands, wrapping itself around his arm, his chest, his face. Before any of them could react, it was pressed tight against him and they could hear a terrible grinding and gnashing, accompanied by a muffled yell of dismay, as something wet and messy happened underneath the cloak.

Xaviee ran forward, but suddenly a whiplike tail emerged from the folds of leather and its spiked end caught him in the chest. He coughed once, then collapsed in a crumpled heap. Tyrion ran to help him.

Karina lowered her bow and instead conjured up a skeletal hand, which clawed and pulled at the cloak, leaving dark red splotches where its necrotizing touch damaged whatever the thing was, but it was unable to break it away from Abenthy.

Abenthy fell to one knee, making a deep choking sound.

“It’s suffocating him!” Karina yelled.

“Working on it,” Tyrion mumbled, as he drew his lute and began to strum madly at the instrument. The melody that came forward sank deep into Karina. It raised the hairs on the back of her neck and made her feel ill, like the world was tilting madly. The sensation passed quickly, thankfully, but that was because it wasn’t targetted at her. The creature left Abenthy with a deep sorrowful moan, peeling away to reveal a wingspan like that of a Manta Ray, and a pale underbelly with a gaping fanged hole. The creature drifted into the air as if on an unseen wind and gracefully floated from the chamber. Karina darted forward behind it and slammed the door shut.

“A Cloaker!” Karina said. “We have to hold the door!”

“What in the bloody hell is a cloaker?” asked Tyrion, running to join her. Xaviee limped after him, to add his weight to the door.

“What we just saw—that’s a Cloaker. Abominations, they inhabit the old places of the world. Not very common to see one anymore. They live on rodents, mostly, but aren’t adverse to a larger meal when they can get one.”

The door suddenly shuddered, as the fear spell wore off and the Cloaker came back, seeking its prey.

“For something that seemed made of cloth, it certainly packs a punch,” Tyrion said as the door shuddered again and cracks appeared in the thick wood.

“Open them, and I will tear the beast in half,” Abenthy growled, getting to his feet. The Aasimir’s face was a hideous red color, punctured in multiple spots by deep circular wounds from which blood flowed freely. He staggered towards the door, drawing his longsword with a schinking sound that hung in the air like a spell. He flung open the door and raised the blade... but nothing was there.

“Tricky creatures, cloakers,” Karina said quietly. “We have to be on guard. They can disguise themselves in the most clever of ways. I read about them in that book from Celaenos. One man, Vollo, describes how a Cloaker settled over a pit trap, looking just like the floor. When Sir Griswald stepped on it, it dropped him onto the spikes and then floated down while he was impaled to feast on him. It kept him alive while it ate, and left him ultimately to bleed out on the spikes. We need to keep our eyes open.”

As she talked, the four companions had begun to ascend the spiraling staircase out of the room, keeping their eyes everywhere: ceiling, floors, walls, cracks in the walls.

Then, as they came to the top of the stairs, they saw in front of them a hanging leathery curtain. It definitely had not been there before and its level of conspiciousness in the setting of the tomb was ridiculous.

“Clever, huh?” Abenthy said, and strode forward to rip the Cloaker in half.

And that’s what happens when a Cloaker rolls a critical failure on a hide check.

The Long Hall

“We are not alone.”

Moonglum was shaking as he said it, the tiny imp looking over his shoulder and biting his long fingernails in a display of fear that would be comical if they weren’t inside a deadly tomb.

When he described the creature that had pulled itself from a crack in the ceiling back near the water room, the three companions knew that the skeletal centipede-like monster had caught up with them. They stood in the place where the four corridors came together, the only light Tyrion’s magically illuminated hand. Their voices were soft but still cast unsettling echoes all around them.

“We are dead,” Abenthy said.

“Not so,” Tyrion chided. “What if we run? We have the headstart on it? We could lock ourselves in the statue room and hold our ground, or run through the long hallway.”

Abenthy scoffed. “So we either make a last stand or sprint over a deadly trap? Doesn’t seem like that would improve our odds.”

“Where is your optimism?” Tyrion asked with a grin that was more than half manic.

“I am practical, not optimistic. False optimism only leads to grave dissappointment.”

“I believe you about the grave part, certainly.”

“Quiet, all of you,” Karina said, who had been studying the hallway in front of them with rapt attention. “We have only moments to pull this off.”

In seconds she explained the plan. They would bait the creature, using her illusion magic to create a false image on the trapped long hallway of the party. If the skeleton bought the illusion, it would hopefully charge and then be caught by the trap. There was only one catch...

“To cast that spell, you have to be within sight of the hall,” Tyrion said. As a fellow student of magic, he knew the restrictions. “Which means it will walk right past you.”

Abenthy looked from one of them to the other. “Can you drink our potion of invisibility?”

“No,” Karina responded. “The casting of the spell will cancel the effects of the potion. I will have to trust that it is more interested in the illusion than in me. I have my boots of Elvenkind and my cloak, I may be able to—”

“No.” Abenthy’s voice was firm. “No, we will come up with another plan. We will make our stand in the statue room. I do not like this. It puts you in too much danger.”

Karina tilted her head slightly and regarded Abenthy with the deep black pools of her eyes, hearing somethign in his voice that she had never detected, or suspected before.

“I don’t like it either,” she said gently. “But we cannot stand against that thing, nor run from it. We are weaker and slower. But we may be smarter. It is our only chance.”

Before she could say more, Xaviee emerged from the darkness, breathing heavily. “I saw it. And it saw me. It’s coming. We have moments to run.”

Abenthy looked sideways at Karina. “We are not running,” he said. “Karina has a plan.”

Thirty seconds later, Abenthy, Tyrion, and Xaviee had disappeared down to the statue room, using the helmet of telepathy to keep in touch with Karina, who was now alone at the crossroads. Down the hallway, an image of Tyrion and Abenthy sat with their backs against a wall, seeming to sleep. She hoped it was enough. The image seemed distorted to her eyes. There was a limit to this kind of illusion, and she was pushing it past its boundaries. Abenthy was squatter than in real life, Tyrion’s clothes less colorful. They made no sound—she wished she could make them make sound—and altogether she felt that if she were to see the image in the hallway, she would question it. But then, these were her companions. To her they meant friendship, comraderie, and life. To the monstrosity they were food, perhaps, or maybe just interlopers in its world, something to be killed. To such a beast, the details might not matter.

She heard the sound of bone scraping against stone as the creature emerged into the fourway corridor. She pressed herself back against the wall, not daring to breath, trying to control her shaking. It was huge. It didn’t have hands. The bones that made up its arms and legs were sharp and stunted into tusk-like appendages that it slammed into the floor and wall to steady its bulk as it moved along the corridor. This close, she could see the dried blood on its front arms. Her blood, she realized, from when it had attacked them before.

The creature pulled itself along the corridor, barely ten feet from her. Its skeletal head turned back and forth and she heard a raspy sigh emerge from it. It looked at her and paused. But it was only an instant. Then the head moved on and saw what she had put down the hallway. It rasped again. Its four front arms lifted up like the mating sign of a praying mantis. It tapped the bones against the walls in a stacatto beat.

And then it turned back towards her hiding place.

No, she thought, and it was all the time she had before the thing was moving. But it wasn’t moving towards her. Its head snapped back to center as it screeched and charged the illusion she had made. And a moment later the hallway was filled with noise as the floor came alive. The floor stones lifted and sunk back into the wall, pieces of granite and an ocean of dust cascading off of it as it shifted. Underneath the stone was a moving belt. The floor tilted downward slightly and the belt was pulling the creature forward towards the grinders at its center, massive metal discs that cracked together like the teeth of some angry god. The skeleton’s own momentum was its downfall. It tried to skitter to a halt, but its speed was incredible and its body whipped around on the belt, turning it to face Karina, pulling it backwards until it got caught by those teeth and with a scream began to be eaten by them.

Karina watched in fascination as the bones exploded into fine white powder as half of the skeleton’s body was pulled between the grinders. Only briefly did they seem to halt under the enormouse beast being fed them. But they never truly stopped and the speed at which they decimated the bone was shocking.

But then the beast was moving, pulling itself up. Appendages dug into the stone walls and it ripped itself front half free from the lost back half. The torso began to climb up to the ceiling and then back towards her. She tried to raise her bow, but fear had finally taken hold of her mind. It was coming, so fast for something so injured, and she could do nothing, and her plan had failed afrer all.

Not failed, a voice in her head said.

Abenthy was there beside her, then. He tapped the telepathy helmet on his head knowingly and smiled for the first time in weeks. A flash of light erupted near him as Tyrion cast spell after spell at the creature, his bardic voice singing out the words to the spells. Xaviee was firing arrows at the beast. And then Abenthy cast his own spell and a massive spectral greatsword appeared in front of the creature. It sliced and the bones came free from the ceiling. It fell with a cry and was carried backwards again, into the grinder, into its doom.

And then the halls of Haggemoth echoed for the first time in their history with the sound of cheers and victory.

Noxious Growth

The companions cheer does not last forever. They have just seen a massive beast get chewed to dust by the trap in front of them and are understandably wary of approaching it themselves. They know that there are devices in this dungeon which shut down traps and so they determine to find the one for this hallway.

On a (correct) hunch, they head south, to the room where they found a secret door with a fungal growth coming through it. Abenthy, immune to disease, opens the door, enters room 19, and...

Even knowing that whatever spores or infection lingered here could not hurt him due to his divine background, Abenthy could not help but cover his mouth and nose as he entered the room, as if it could actually help protect him.

The room was thick with fungus. Every spot of the floor and walls were covered in a violet tapestry of interwoven strands of mold. Every step he took, his steel clad feet crushed the delicate rug and sent up explosions of a violet dust—more of the spores, he knew. It was impossible to tell what the room’s purpose had once been. Its only decoration now was a body.

It was a curious corpse. It hung suspended at the far end of the room, wrapped in a thick web of the mold strands. It was definitely humanoid, but its features had eroded, leaving fungal growths where limbs should have been. The feet were still barely discernible, though melded together into a fleshy mass. The head lacked most features except a gaping, too-wide hole where perhaps the mouth had once been.

As Abenthy stared, that mouth suddenly closed and then opened and a clicking sound began to emerge from it, like a tongue rapidly tapping against the roof of a mouth. The body began to gyrate madly in its prison. Abenthy raised his shield and only this saved him from death. Acid spewed forth from the mouth in a projectile vomit that went fifteen feet across the room, splashing against the shield. Even so, the air around Abenthy suddenly shimmered with heat and his lungs burned as spores began to burst into small explosions all around him. He grabbed a javelin from his side and threw it, cleanly impaling the gyrating corpose. It clicked at him in response and continued to push at the confines of its webbing. Abenthy backed up and bumped into something. He spun, ready to see another of the creatures having snuck up behind him, but it was Karina, her eyes wide at the sight of the horrendous room.

“Out!” she commanded, and then she pointed a hand at the creature. A skeletal hand ripped at its chest and the effect was terrifying to see. Where the claws touched, the fungus rotted and died, almost instantly. A gaping wound was left in the creature’s chest and it screamed for the first time, a horrible half human sound like a man trying to cry for help from underwater. The creature strained again and this time the webbing broke and it fell to what passed for its feet. Then it was charging them...

This is yet another time I have dipped into Kobold Press’ Tome of Beasts. It really is the second monsters manual I always wanted from DnD 5 and my most used third party supplement. First of all, it has some tough monsters, nicely filling out the later level gaps left by the original MM. Also, each encounter, whatever the CR, is simply interesting. Each monster has a mechanic that adds to the tactics of the system, whether it is dealing with poisons, grapples, pushes and shoves, or diseases (as in this case). I drew inspiration from this book to create several of my own monsters, including the Skele-Pede and I can’t recommend it highly enough for 5th Edition DMs.

This particular beastie is a Mindrot Thrall and I cannot detail exactly what its infectious spores do, because it is very possible that at least one of my non-Aasimir players has become infected by it and I don’t want to spoil the surprise when they read this.

Suffice to say, they do end up defeating the creature, as it vomits forth acid and spores and makes a mess of the rooms. They then push on, find the trap mechanism, and clear the way for next time’s post: Ever Deeper.

#dnd 5e #playthrough #tomb of haggemoth #Tome of Beasts #Kobold Press #epic #Dungeons and Dragons #Journey Log #Wizards of the Coast #fantasy #RPG

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